Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

My friend Guy's done it again. So I have to share this with you. Don't
know where he finds them but mine is not to question why, just to
share with you all.

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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit yo u're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.

7.. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Posted via email from mitauae's posterous

Don't rely on AAA - they can't help you

My faith in human nature is constantly reaffirmed. For the few that are selfish and unthinking, there are so many more generous souls out there.

Today - in the middle of the Dibba-RAK highway on my way back after a week's conference in Al Aqah and my car broke down. I tried calling a few people on the sleepy east coast but they could not help me. I called my brother. My brother hopped into his car immediately and started making calls etc while I called AAA hoping they would be able to help me. The guy in charge was so incompetent - it was untrue. So I called Wael of AutoConvenience. What a difference.

I immediately had a call from Tarek, who organised and called people to meet me and help to tow the car. He followed my brother to find out exactly where I was. Within 2 hours, both were here. Tarek took my car and asked me not to worry but just go home and wait for his call. Now that is what I call true service. Its a new business but it has promise. They are reasonable, courteous, responsive and offer a service that, at this point, is not available anywhere in the UAE. 

While I waited, there was a time when people would have stopped to find out at least if there is something they could do and I was surprised that no one did. Except one man. Ali zipped past my car and a few moments later backed up to ask me what was wrong. He opened the bonnet to have a look. He spoke very little English. I had no Arabic but he offered to wait with me while Bish (my brother) and Tarek got to me. He asked me to sit in his car, gave me something to drink and when I ran out - he wanted to take me to his family so I could be with his wife. I very politely turned him down because it would worry Bish. He understood. He had no reason to wait and yet he did. 

Ali, I don't know your last name or where you are but thank you for being such a wonderful generous soul.

Posted via email from mitauae's posterous

TRUE-ISMS

A friend sent this and I think a lot of these are worth sharing. Because Posterous lets us share emails, I am. I especially love 2 - don't you?

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?  Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an A-hole from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, you can wear them forever.
25. Is it just me, or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far..
27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the  Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

 

Posted via email from mitauae's posterous

When courtesy is a sign of weakness

I was taught that that well-brought up girls were always polite. Yet society today only notices you when you throw a tantrum.

As anyone who knows me or has contact with me will know that Du has now fallen from grace. A situation that could so well have been avoided. We were round and round in circles just to try and get some answers yet Du's customer service call centre is not trained to deal or provide the responses. They are taught to 'handle' the calls. This is not just true of Du, its true of all call centres.

I DON'T WANT TO BE 'HANDLED'; I WANT ANSWERS!

I mean each of these guys are customers elsewhere. Isn't that what they want from their customer service? Its not rocket science. My admin manager has the patience of a saint. He has been asking the same clarification and the same question for more than 10 days, while juggling the production and logistics of two events (with some help), the lovely delays and incompetence of the administration at TECOM (that's another story) and their excuses, and his other administrative duties.

What resolved the problem (and it is somewhat resolved) is an email to the top of the food chain that gets noticed. Now, we get complaints to ask us why we had to go to the top guy because they're all quaking.

BECAUSE YOU IGNORED US WHEN WE WERE POLITE! That's why.

So here's what I would suggest guys - if you don't want people to make fun of you. Give us the customer service you keep promising and don't treat us like morons - we want solutions. I know there are people out there that just whinge because they can, but I just wanted it to get done.

Otherwise - I'm throwing another tantrum.

Posted via email from mitauae's posterous